Supporting, Loving Ourselves and Each Other During Stress

We're talking about space...though not this kind.

My husband and I have been going through it this year. After years of serving the refugee community in various positions, he was laid off and eventually let go when the Trump administration shut down almost all refugee resettlement in the US. We weren't wholly surprised, we just thought it might take a bit longer. He was excellent at his job and loved helping that population. It was heartbreaking for him to experience that loss, not to mention the stress of figuring out how to continue to support himself and our family.

Like most couples navigating particularly stressful times, we were flung into conflict, stressful conversations, and hard days. We're both fairly emotionally mature and have navigated difficulty in our relationship since we met in 2020, but like all people, stressful times point us to the places that we still need to heal as we fall into old patterns, project, and try to "protect" ourselves from pain. It hasn't been easy for either of us, but the growth, love, and connection is seeing us through.

During this time, I've been learning more about my own patterns, how to tell what I need and meet my needs-whether that is clearly asking for what I need or figuring out how to meet my own needs. (I won't speak to my husband's experience, maybe that will come in a later post). I've also been learning how to show up as his partner in the ways he needs me to, while still maintaining good boundaries. It is through this journey of learning how to truly understand the human-ness of my neediness, that I cemented these three key strategies to help navigate caring for myself and others during stressful times.

I didn't come up with any of these ideas solely on my own, but have been influenced by authors such as Brene Brown, Richard Schwartz, Nedra Glover Tawwab, Tara Brach, and Kristen Neff.

Something I've been talking to clients about and trying to implement in my own relationship is determining what I need during a stressful conversation or moment. These are times when we are easily dysregulated and have low tolerance for more frustration. Its easy to become defensive, take something personally, or be frustrated. The stress or conflict may be bringing up pain or fears about conflict in the past, and I don't want to let those feelings become entangled with what is happening in the present moment. I want to have compassion for myself and my partner in those moments, then take steps to work things out.

So, what do I need to make that less likely to happen?

Here is where the 3 S's come in: Space, Support, Solutions. Typically when we are stressed, we need a combination of these 3 ways of being in relationship to work through the conflict or uncomfortable feelings.

Space: taking time away from my partner, friend, work colleagues, etc. to process my feelings. How do I know I need space? When I am overwhelmed and dysregulated, I can't speak from my best self or even cannot speak due to being frozen, then I need to take some space. When I feel like my emotions are overwhelming, that I can't hold space for anyone else or their feelings, I may need space. (These emotions may or may not be related to the people I need some space from) For me, space may look like going for a walk, listening to music, journaling, or doing something artsy. Sometimes, I can even take space in the same room, if we both agree to not engage this topic but have a little peace between us, cooking dinner or maybe watching an episode of the Great British Bake Off (a favorite comfort show for me). Perhaps we agree on a time to come back together or maybe we trust that we can come back together when we are ready.

If you and your person don't typically come back together or have been known to brush conflict under the rug, setting a time to "break the space" is a good idea and can increase security, when you come back together.

What do I do if my partner needs space and I feel anxious about giving them space? Get curious about how you can support yourself and meet your own needs. Can you ask for a check in? Can you say things to yourself that you would like your partner to say? Can you trust yourself and your partner to take a small bit of space to come back together more grounded and present? It is important to establish a give and take around these types of patterns, so that someone taking space can feel safe and not provoke more anxiety in the relationship.

What can you do to give yourself space and time to process during stress or conflict?

Support: holding caring, compassionate space for someone to express themselves. Support looks different for each of us, but a cardinal rule is to listen. LISTEN. Listen without offering advice, solutions, criticism, sometimes even without offering too much cheerleading. How do I know if I need support? When I am not too overwhelmed with feelings, too dysregulated, and especially if the reason I am upset isn't related to the person I am seeking support from, then I would ask for support. For me, support is mostly listening. If appropriate, some comforting touch like a hug or hand on my shoulder. Also, if appropriate, some hype-ing up! I have a dear friend who always knows exactly how to remind me to trust myself and helps me out of the shame spiral so I can actually learn from mistakes. If I'm angry at my partner and want to talk it through to a friend, I don't need them to bash my partner. I need them to listen, remind me that I make good choices and decisions, that I have self-trust. When my supportive person launches into solutions, I feel so ignored and invalidated. Here is a great opportunity to advocate for yourself. "Honey, I need you to just listen and support right now. I may want solutions later, but right now I just need support." or something that feels right to you.

We also have to honor this in our partner or friends. We may believe we know the exact solution or advice they need, but must be patient and wait for them to ask for our advice or solutions. This is especially difficult when we don't agree with their choices, when we see a 'trainwreck' coming down the track, or when we are afraid of how their choices will impact us. This is where self-compassion comes in. Honor your desire to help your partner or friend, cultivate the trust in yourself that you can handle the trainwreck if/when it happens, and hold your own feelings with love and tenderness. You may also find a way to speak your concern without offering advice, from a place of loving directness. "I love you and I know it is important to you to experience the freedom of making your own choices. I am concerned about... I needed to express that, to feel heard, even if you don't change your mind or make a different choice." this is much easier said than done and is definitely a whole other blog post.

How can you determine and ask for the support you need? What does support feel like in your nervous system and body?

Solutions: Is it time for some problem solving? Whether working together to get to a better place during a conflict or discussing a problem at work, solutions are best tackled when we are in a grounded, present stated. Personally, I am both a problem solver and also don't want you to solve my problems. Not very fair, huh? It does mean that problem solving relationship pain is one of the ways I 'resolve' arguments, but I think that is yet another blog.

While it seems like the solutions or problem solving strategy is the easy part, it can be very complicated and sometimes delicate if you are still feeling raw or dysregulated. Some questions I ask myself during this phase might be:

• How would I like advice or solutions given to you? How would your partner, friend, or colleague?

• How can you continue to meet your needs of advocating for yourself, while recognizing that the person you are "advising" has their own needs?

• Can you cultivate the patience to wait to be asked for solutions?

• Can you release your own ego enough to ask for advice or solutions?

  
  

Once we are diving into solutions and problem solving, we also have to deal with what happens when someone doesn't take our advice or when we don't take someone else's advice. Can we hold space for our own discomfort while realizing that they have the freedom do what they feel is best? This is the difficult part of having solutions or advice to give! We can't make others do what we think is best. Once again, the need for more self-compassion and self-trust.

Hopefully these ideas will be helpful as you navigate the holidays, difficult times in life, and your own relationships. How can you use space, support, and solutions in your own life to improve your emotional well-being and intelligence?