The Sum of our Parts: IFS reflection

Mosaic made of various small, smooth stones on a brick path.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) or "parts" work is one of the newest trends in therapy work. Like most popular, new ideas, the modality promises to yield results towards healing and assist individuals in acting from their highest Self. IFS is the brainchild of Dick Schwartz who took the theory of Family Systems and internalized it on an individual level, treating the solo human as their own expansive system. These ideas build on indigenous wisdom based on animistic ideas that the Self is made of up "multiple living entities." To be clear, this is not Dissociative Identity Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder, but that we are made up of "parts" that interact in ways to protect us, ultimately keep us safe.

Specific parts that Schwartz discusses are our Exiles, Protectors, and Self. Exiles are the vulnerable parts who are most scared or that we are most afraid of. This could be traumatized parts, shame parts, too much/not enough parts, and so on. Neo-Exiles are more recent vulnerable parts that tend to form when someone has learned hard lessons or worked to change patterns. Neo-Exiles feel even more fragile due to their newness and can create fierce protectors attempting to keep us from losing the lessons learned. The Protectors show up as the patterns we use to keep the Exiles safe. This could be anger, perfectionism, shut down, criticism, fawning/submission, fight, flight, freeze, etc. Our Self is when we are the most grounded, connected, and acting in alignment with our values. We are in our highest self, able to reassure our fragile exiles and soothe our fiercest protectors.

As an electric therapist, I am always interested in new ways to talk about the ideas that assist my clients in their healing work, not to mention how these ideas might help on my own journey through life. I picked up Schwartz' book You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying IFS to intimate relationships. The title alone caught my eye as an ideal I practice embodying and work with my client's to embody: becoming our own "saviors" while living in healthy relationships and community.

Schwartz introduces the idea of parts work, but specifically in relationship, discussing the ways our parts interact with our partners, friends, and family. It is a good book and contains a case study showcasing how Schwartz works with parts in a particular couple. I recommend this for anyone hoping to develop better relationships, understand their own patterns, and try to change ways they may be repeating patterns across multiple relationships.

Some key takeaways for me include the protectors showing up as a trauma response as well as how gender socialization assists in creating different kinds of protectors & exiles. Learning about neo-exiles and how fragile they seem rang true for myself as well as many of my clients.

One of the most painful aspects of this book for myself is Schwartz' use of the word tor-mentor for our chosen partners or (in my opinion) children. He uses tor-mentor to highlight the idea that the people closest to us will show us the areas we still need healing. This is usually something that triggers a protector to keep that exile/neoexile safe. He refers to the pathways these patterns have created as trailheads and that your tor-mentor is your guide to these trailheads. Man, does that feel painful and true. I can feel my perfectionism protector bubbling under the surface of my shame-filled exile of "not-knowing" even typing these words.

Another phenomenon he discusses is also a pattern I routinely see play out in hetero-normative couples: One partner (typically wife) finally gets tired of doing the emotional labor or asking for change in the relationship, announces she's leaving or files for divorce. Second partner (typically husband) panics and tries to do the work to keep the relationship intact. Schartz reflects that this is the protector stepping away from the little boy afraid of being abandoned (exile). He reflects that this can also show up as a man becoming violent, stalking, lashing out.

Overall, this idea is a helpful way to work with the parts of ourselves that need healing. It was a good, thoughtful read with some good ideas for working with exiles, protectors, and empowering our highest self. Now to put it into practice...