The Protective Power of Perfectionism?

Happy, dirty pony

How many of you embrace, struggle with, or rely on the power of perfectionism? I wasn't born a perfectionist, but boy was I made into one.

In my previous job, working with international level competitive equestrians and their equines, being a perfectionist was a skill honed and valued. Developing a level of needing to be perfect was a way to stay safe and important in a difficult industry.

This perfectionism also "helped" in grad school when I worked ahead on projects, wanted to make sure I did well on papers, and was forever striving to learn the most important ways to help my then and future clients.

But perfectionism as a safety mechanism is a b*tch in relationships. It can make you critical of the people you love or a martyr, having to do everything yourself so it will be perfect. Perfect therapists are also not helpful, who wants to learn from someone who isn't afraid to make mistakes, work hard, or do something risky if they can't get it right the first time? Its really hard to collaborate with "perfect people" who struggle with acceptance, vulnerability, and shame.

Where does perfectionism come from? Fear of rejection from the community you belong to, fear of not being enough or being too much-somehow at the same time. Its connected to the capitalist drive for more and the evangelical christian idea of being "above sin." Perfectionism comes in the water we swim in, being born and raised in this America. If we are perfect, we belong, we aren't stupid or dumb, we are valued and important. Traits we all want to have.

When I discovered that my perfectionism wasn't helpful in my relationships, I wanted to eradicate it entirely. I wanted to burn it down to become this lovely accepting, vulnerable person that would be messy (but somehow perfectly messy?). The shame I had desperately tried to get rid of through being "perfect" was right there in my desire to not be a perfectionist jerk in relationship. Turns out, that is an impossible feat as well. Once again, perfectionism rearing its annoying sometimes helpful and protective head.

My therapist so kindly directed me to radical acceptance. Acceptance of myself, first and foremost, a long process that will continue throughout life as I continue to grow and change. With that acceptance comes the releasing of control, a tenant of perfectionism. It also comes with self-compassion, loving and nurturing all parts of myself, especially as I fall short. With these steps, comes self-trust and trust in my community. That I can accept myself and others, in all our imperfection.

Thats why I included a picture of an imperfectly perfect pony in this post. Charm is teaching me everything about relationship, safety, and imperfection. He loves being dirty, playing hard, and helping me return to acceptance. Past Leslie, the one who was the professional equestrian, would have never included a pic of a dirty pony from an unflattering angle. But I love it! AND I don't need to burn it down, I need to accept the parts that are helpful, good, and make me a better human. While letting go of the need to be controlling and perfect in crisis, stress, or fear.

A big task, easier said than done.

How does perfectionism show up for you?