If you have been paying attention to many healers, some therapists, and social justice activists/advocates, you'll hear the charge to find your community. But what does that mean? How do we do that? Where do we find "our people" if we haven't already for whatever reason?
Humans were meant to live in community. In a large multi-generational family or group of families, existing together in cooperation to socialize, support and nurture each other, work through conflict, and generally do life. Our western culture (of heteropatriarchy white christian nationalist) individualism divides us. We feel unable to share our most vulnerable moments, ask for help, or find supportive interdependence with others. The burden of having to do everything on our own, especially as adult singles or couples who are not close geographically or relationally with their families is heavy. Now more than ever our survival depends on developing connection with others.
Perhaps you have more community than you realize. Do you want to nurture existing friendships, be more intentional about connecting with people you haven't seen in a while? Plan to meet up with family or friends more often? Sometimes we feel lonely and we need to remember our support system, that might need some adjusting, but the people are good. Sometimes we need to grow new connections due to a move or relationship changes.
So where do you start? Here are my thoughts:
What interests you? Are you into DnD or other table-top games? Are you an avid reader or fiber artists? Interested in joining a kickball league or learning to play pickleball? Looking for a place to do good work in your city as a volunteer for humans, the earth, or animals? Do you want to get involved in politics or protests? Organizations may exist that offer these kind of activities or events. With some internet, coffee house bulletin board, or Meet-up app sleuthing, you just might find an interesting group to check out.
But how, especially if I have social anxiety or stress about meeting new people, do I attend my first event/activity? Good question! First of all, know that it is normal to feel some trepidation about meeting new people and walking into an established group of people. That takes bravery! It wouldn't be brave if there wasn't fear or anxiety involved. Secondly, know that there are likely people who were also nervous to start this activity/group or attend it their first few times. You are not alone! My suggestion, make a plan!
-Do some research on the group or event/activity you are interested in. Do they offer what you are looking for? Do the people attending the group have similar values? Are they open to new people?
-Email, text, or message the contact for the organization, event organizer, etc. They will hopefully be happy to fill you in on details and be prepared to welcome you. That will help you to at least have one person that you "know" and have a guide ready to walk the journey with you. If they are not helpful or seem unwelcoming, that is good information too. (But don't take it personally! They may have something going on or also have social anxiety, this may be a yellow or orange flag, but doesn't have to be a red one. We can see if it turns into one later.)
-If you are comfortable, or interested, you may ask to meet with this person briefly before the event for coffee or a few minutes before set up to get your bearings or ask any questions in person. Trust your instincts as to what feels right for you. And if they can't, know it isn't personal.
-Attend online or do a "practice run." If the organization has an online offering, it may give you more insight or comfortability to attend online the first few times. You will get a sense of the people, the vibes of the organization, and have a low stakes introduction. You can also do a practice run or drive by, checking out an event, space, or activity without being a part of it, giving you a chance to find parking, determine what the space is like, see the other group members interact, give yourself more confidence by becoming more comfortable.
-Chose a day to attend your first event and set yourself up for success. Know that you will likely not feel totally comfortable and it may be challenging, no matter who you are meeting with or what event you are attending. This doesn't mean that it is bad or not "for you." Pay attention to what your needs are while stretching yourself to experience something new. But if it is bad or you notice red flags, don't feel like you have to stay, try again, or that you are the issue. Trust yourself to be able to handle the messy part of trying new things.
-Give it time and investment to grow. Most communities don't feel like home immediately, it may take time to be comfortable and fit in. Trust that you can take the time it takes to make the investment worthwhile. Like all relationships, even if it doesn't work out in the end, we always learn something about ourselves!
If you can't find the community you are looking for, perhaps it is time to start something new! However you find ways to plug in to the people in your city, town, or state, I hope that you will know you don't have to do life alone, there are people who want to help and/or need your help in this world, and you are capable of doing so many good things.
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