Be kind to myself...WTF does that mean?

Mosaic in the Unitarian Universalist Church of Lexington

Recently, I’ve had a client ask this exact question. Its made me wonder how many other clients didn't ask. Many times, as we are wrapping up a session, I will say to a client something along these lines:

Be extra kind to yourself while you are processing this

Give yourself extra self-compassion, this is really difficult

Show yourself a little extra care and concern, you deserve to feel that

And my clients don’t know what to do with this suggestion, it seems. When I think back, I probably wouldn’t have known either. I’m sure my therapist said similar things during some of my darkest times, and I wouldn’t have had a clue where to start.

For many reasons, we have the intrinsic idea that if we are critical enough, bully ourselves enough, or are downright mean internally then we will get better, be protected from outside bullies, or outside critics. But if it worked, we would all be at the top of our game, feel totally safe, and not stress about someone’s negative feedback. I’m sure this is also a way of reflecting on ourselves inherited from our families and greater society. Could it be a reflection of the inherent white, patriarchal, colonist, Christian nationalist culture…probably. Self-policing so that we don’t break any rules, be rejected or perceived in a dangerous way. And maybe even before that, when we didn't want to be cast out of our small village, internal policing seemingly kept us in line to belong, safe and in relationship.

Even if it begins as a helpful, protective aspect of our inner-life, most of us have let it go too far. All self-policing and criticism really does is continue a cycle of abuse, but from inside our own brains. Beating ourselves up results in our nervous systems being on high-alert, feeling ungrounded, isolated, and lonely. Our relationship with ourselves is the longest term relationship we will ever have, so we NEED to learn how to change the habit of talking to ourselves in a critical, mean, scared voice. Interrupting the sometimes life-long pattern of being your internal own worst enemy can be practiced through self-compassion.

Self-compassion is my favorite tool for getting through difficult emotions, interrupting patterns, and generally grounding myself. Maybe you will find it helpful too. Here are some of my favorite practices:

-Explore your context for the whole picture. Did you ever hear your caregivers or mentors talk about themselves with love and care or did their words come out like sharpened barbs? If you only experienced their critical side, whether towards you or themselves, then of course this is a new skill for you to learn, a new muscle to develop. How can you coach yourself with compassion as you learn this new skill, giving yourself grace and patience?

-Have you experienced someone who seemed to really like themselves, not in a selfish or narcissistic way, but truly liking themselves? Someone who doesn’t take much personally, who tries to be kind to themselves and to others, even if they disagree? Someone who maybe has struggles with body image or self-confidence, but is dedicated to loving themselves through it? If so, what can you learn from their example?

-Practice talking to yourself or writing yourself a note like you would a child, close friend, or loved one. Speaking words that are kind can be so much easier towards someone else. If you image your dear friend or child is going through a similar issue, how will you speak to them instead of how you have been trained to speak to yourself?

-Notice when you are on a spiraling tirade of terribleness then pause. Don’t add more self-judgement on to this moment but instead be glad you noticed!* “Oh hey, I was doing that thing, but instead of just believe that critical (trying to be protective) voice in my head, I noticed it and paused. Good job, me!” Interrupting the habit is the best place to start, then purposely think about something else or DO something else.  

-RAIN of self-compassion. Created by meditation teacher Tara Brach, this easy to remember acronym breaks naming your feelings and supporting yourself into 4 steps. Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. Tara has many recordings and short podcasts focusing on or including RAIN. Here is a video of Tara teaching RAIN.

-Self-compassion workbook. Another one of my favorite self-compassion teachers is Kristin Neff, who has a book on fierce self-compassion (lest you think self-compassion is all about turning the other cheek or a doormat! Quite the contrary!) Kristin also has a self-compassion workbook that breaks down several practices to help guide your path as to what might work best for you. The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook If you prefer a video meditation, here is Kristin Neff with a Fierce Friend meditation.

Both Kristin Neff and Tara Brach have many free resources that may support your practices in self-compassion and kindness.

-Metta lovingkindness meditation. One of the most basic and important meditations, the lovingkindness meditation is a practice of self-love, love to those we encounter but don’t really know, love to those we struggle with, and love to all beings. It is a simple script that you can adapt to what works best for you. Here is a video of meditation teacher Jack Kornfield leading us through Metta.

Hopefully, you will find one or many of these practices that help with your own negative self-talk. If we want to have kindness, compassion, and love in our lives then we have to start with the inside.

None of these are paid sponsorships, these are resources I have used and personally find helpful.